Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that you know isn’t good, but you still can’t leave? This is a common situation that affects many people. In this article, we will understand the reasons why we get stuck in bad relationships.

Toxic relationships can drain our energy and make us unhappy. So why is it so difficult to break them off? The psychologist explains that various psychological factors are behind this.

Let’s discover what rule-governed behavior is and how it influences our romantic choices. We will also understand the power of the rule “better alone than in bad company” and what leads some people to follow it.

We will talk about variables such as social reinforcement, possession, deprivation, competition, risk aversion, dependence, and sexual relationship. All these psychological factors play a role in the difficulty of breaking off bad relationships.

Finally, we will see that it is possible to get out of this trap! Psychologist Erick Heslan will teach proven clinical interventions to help modify dysfunctional patterns and achieve healthier relationships.

Curious to understand the workings of the human mind in these situations? Keep reading and discover the fascinating explanations of psychology!

Rule-governed behavior versus contingency-shaped behavior

When we talk about human behavior, there are two main ways we learn to behave: through direct contact with the consequences of our actions or by following rules and instructions.

In the first case, we are experiencing the results of what we do firsthand. For example, a child touches a hot pan, feels pain, and learns not to repeat this behavior. They don’t need someone to tell them they will get hurt; they learn directly from the experience.

When we follow rules, we are acting based on what we have been told is right or wrong, good or bad, without testing these instructions in practice. For example, parents tell the child not to touch the hot pan, so they obey without needing to burn themselves first.

Psychologist B.F. Skinner called these two processes contingency-shaped behavior and rule-governed behavior. In the first, behavior is shaped by natural consequences. In the second, it is directed by verbal rules and instructions.

Both have pros and cons. Contingency-shaped behavior is not always efficient or safe. Following rules can lead us to act dysfunctionally if they are inaccurate or outdated.

In life, we usually combine the two processes. But in certain contexts, as we will see later, blindly following rules can trap us in pitfalls.

The rule “better alone than in bad company”

A very common but extremely problematic behavioral rule is: “Better alone than in bad company”. Many people blindly follow this maxim, staying in clearly toxic and unsatisfactory relationships just to avoid facing loneliness.

This basic rule describes the following contingency: “If I am alone, then I will suffer”. In other words, the individual believes that the negative aspects of being without a romantic partner are worse than the negative aspects of being in a bad relationship.

Why would someone follow this rule, even in a relationship that brings more harm than benefits? There are some psychological factors that can explain this choice:

• Fear of loneliness and social judgment;
• Sense of possession over the partner;
• State of deprivation of relationship reinforcers;
• Competitiveness to not “lose” the partner to someone else;
• Aversion to the risk of finding a new relationship;
• Emotional dependence.

These and other aspects lead us to follow the problematic rule that a bad relationship is better than no relationship. But it is possible to deconstruct this dysfunctional view!

Factors leading to following this rule

We have seen that the rule “better alone than in bad company” is very problematic, yet still followed by many people. But what leads someone to prefer to submit to an unhappy and unsatisfactory relationship just to avoid loneliness?

There are several psychological factors that can explain this misguided choice. We will analyze each of them in detail below. We will start with the powerful factor of social reinforcement and the pressure from the environment to fit into a romantic relationship, no matter how bad it may be.

First Factor: Social Reinforcement

One of the main factors that lead some people to follow the rule “better alone than in bad company” is social reinforcement. Living in society makes us susceptible to external patterns and judgments about our behaviors and choices.

Having a romantic relationship, even if problematic, is seen positively and socially valued. Being single often carries stigmas and is a reason for ridicule and diminished self-esteem. Phrases like “left on the shelf” or “died hugging the pillow” exemplify the prejudice against singles.

People with a history of emotional deprivation or low self-esteem often find social recognition their main or only source of positive reinforcement. For them, maintaining a toxic relationship may be preferable to facing negative judgment for being alone.

Furthermore, observing the scorn directed at other single people also strengthens, through modeling, the belief that a bad relationship is better than none. Thus, the fear of social punishment leads many to blindly follow the problematic rule.

The psychotherapist must identify and modify the dysfunctional patterns that make the client a hostage to external approval. After all, what matters is the quality of life, not fitting into limiting social judgments.

Second Factor: Possession

Another psychological factor behind the rule “better alone than in bad company” is the sense of possession over the partner. Some people view their partner as a property, an object that belongs to them.

Having this possession is reinforcing because it brings the false sense of having control over the life and choices of the other. Losing this possession, at the end of the relationship, would be extremely aversive.

Therefore, even if the relationship becomes abusive or unsatisfactory, the possessive person prefers to keep it rather than face the prospect of the ex-partner moving on independently, free for new relationships and experiences.

This behavior may originate from a history of reinforcement of control and the imposition of rules over others. It is common in people used to always “calling the shots” and having their desires fulfilled without question.

In these cases, the psychotherapist must work to break the cycle of possession, establishing boundaries and teaching the client to build healthier relationships based on mutual respect, not dysfunctional control.

After all, love is not possession. And no human being can be the property of another, no matter how close the emotional ties are.

Third Factor: Deprivation

Another relevant factor is the state of deprivation of the positive reinforcers of a romantic relationship. The longer a person remains single, the greater the need for company, attention, and affection tends to be.

Thus, after long periods without a romantic partner, the individual finds themselves so needy and deprived of these reinforcers that any relationship, even problematic, becomes better than continuing alone.

Prolonged deprivation of the benefits of a loving relationship makes them acquire extremely high value. Therefore, the person is willing to pay the price of living with fights, jealousy, and abuse to have access to these reinforcers again, even if in limited quantity.

The psychotherapist must help the client expand their sources of positive reinforcement by working on self-esteem, friendships, and self-care. Thus, even while single, they can lead a happy and complete life without being a hostage to neediness.

Loneliness is not always bad, and depending on a toxic relationship to escape it signals the need for deep self-knowledge and emotional maturation work.

Fourth Factor: Competition

Many people view romantic relationships as a competition, either with their partner or with third parties. In this view, ending the relationship would be like admitting “defeat” and handing victory to the other.

Those who see the couple’s dynamics as a power struggle feel that leaving the relationship is losing. Losing to society, which will judge them as a failure. Losing to themselves, for not being able to make the relationship work. And losing to the partner, who will be free to move on.

These people often had an upbringing based on competition, being punished for “defeats” and reinforced for “victories” from an early age. They generalize this distorted view to the romantic universe.

The psychotherapist must help the client re-signify affective relationships, understanding that they are not a contest where there are winners and losers. A healthy connection is based on mutual support, not morbid competition.

Thus, the person can end toxic bonds without the false belief of having “lost” to the other. After all, no one loses when a bad relationship ends. On the contrary, both gain the chance to be happy.

Fifth Factor: Risk Aversion

Risk aversion also contributes to maintaining bad relationships. Many people fear the unknown and see exposure to new experiences as something threatening.

Even when unhappy and dissatisfied with their current partner, they prefer not to risk finding a new relationship, as they are unsure what to expect from this new situation.

They opt to remain in the “safe harbor” of the current relationship, even if stormy, rather than venture into the unknown and risk finding something better (or worse).

This stance may derive from a history of punishments in the face of life changes or excessive reinforcement of maintaining the status quo. The person learned to see any novelty as a potential threat.

The psychotherapist must help the client gradually face their insecurities, stepping out of the comfort zone and discovering a world of possibilities beyond the limiting relationship they are in.

Life is made of risks. And only those who have the courage to take genuine risks can achieve truly rewarding relationships and full happiness.

Sixth Factor: Dependence

Emotional dependence can also lead to following the rule “better alone than in bad company”. Some people create a deep codependent relationship with their partner.

They rely on them as their only source of attention, affection, self-esteem, and emotional support. They give up other relationships and personal projects to devote themselves entirely to the romantic relationship.

Even if the bond becomes abusive and unsatisfactory, these people cannot break it, as they feel it would be like “losing a part of themselves”. They do not see themselves capable of moving on without the codependent partner.

This stance may derive from dysfunctional family relationships, where parents did not adequately meet the child’s emotional needs, who seeks to compensate for this lack in adulthood.

The psychotherapist can help the emotionally dependent client regain their self-esteem and sense of identity. Through loving boundaries, they will show that it is possible to be happy and complete even without that unhealthy relationship.

Gradually, the person will learn to cultivate their emotional independence and will no longer need to cling desperately to toxic bonds.

Seventh Factor: Available Sexual Relationship

Finally, the available sexual relationship can also lead to staying in a problematic relationship just to avoid losing access to sex.

For some people, sex with the current partner is highly reinforcing, constituting the only or main positive aspect of the relationship. Even if all other elements are negative, this is enough to hold the person.

Imagining the prospect of breaking up and being without a fixed sexual partner, the individual feels they would be giving up a crucial source of pleasure and fulfillment. Therefore, they tolerate the fights and frustrations.

The psychologist must help expand the client’s sources of satisfaction, working on self-esteem, self-care, and social skills. Thus, even while single, they will have a pleasurable and complete life.

Moreover, the exaggerated value given to the sexual relationship can be re-signified, understanding that there are different ways to obtain pleasure, and none of them are worth it if accompanied by suffering in other areas.

With this work in the office, the person will depend less on sex to be happy and will be able to choose constructive relationships, not just based on the sexual aspect.

Clinical interventions to modify rule-following

After identifying the factors that lead a person to follow the rule “better alone than in bad company”, the psychotherapist can perform clinical interventions to modify this dysfunctional behavior.

Initially, it is important to make the client aware of the variables controlling their choices. Often the person doesn’t even realize the reinforcers that keep them in bad relationships.

Then, limiting beliefs can be discussed and deconstructed, such as the exaggerated fear of loneliness and social rejection. Arguments are made about the positive long-term consequences of establishing healthier patterns.

It is also essential to teach the client to identify and express their needs and desires assertively. Thus, they will start choosing more compatible partners.

Additionally, the psychologist should focus on expanding the client’s sources of positive reinforcement so that their self-esteem does not depend solely on the romantic relationship.

Finally, it is necessary to encourage the person to gradually expose themselves to new contingencies, stepping out of the comfort zone and discovering that it is possible to be happy even when alone.

With this multimodal work, the individual will gradually replace the previous dysfunctional rule with more realistic beliefs consistent with a healthy and fulfilling life.

Final considerations on rules in behavior analysis

Through this article, we were able to understand how rule-following can lead to dysfunctional behaviors if they do not adequately describe contingencies.

We analyzed the problematic rule “better alone than in bad company”, identifying psychological factors that lead to its following even in unsatisfactory relationships.

We saw that issues such as social reinforcement, possession, deprivation, competition, risk aversion, and emotional dependence can make a person tolerate a bad relationship just to avoid facing loneliness.

However, it is possible to modify these dysfunctional contingencies through well-directed clinical interventions, helping the individual establish healthier beliefs.

Rules should not be followed blindly. It is up to each person to evaluate whether a particular rule accurately and adaptively describes the situations they will be exposed to. And have the courage to abandon those that only limit their potential to be happy.

After all, it is not necessary to be in bad company just to avoid being alone. There are constructive and enriching relationships for those willing to seek them, even at the cost of some risks.

Conclusion

In this article, we analyzed the reasons that lead people to remain in bad relationships, following the problematic rule “better alone than in bad company”.

We saw that factors such as social reinforcement, possession, deprivation, competition, risk aversion, and emotional dependence are behind this often dysfunctional choice.

The good news is that these limiting contingencies can be modified with well-directed clinical interventions, helping the individual achieve healthier relationships.

We don’t need to be hostages to rules that only make us unhappy. We can develop a broader and more conscious view of our affective choices.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How to overcome the fear of loneliness?

Engage in activities that bring satisfaction independent of relationships, such as hobbies, studies, and work. Strengthen friendship bonds. Seek psychological help to work on limiting beliefs about being alone.

What to do when I can’t leave a toxic relationship?

Identify the reinforcers that keep you in the relationship. Work on your self-esteem and emotional independence. Gradually expose yourself to new experiences. Seek therapy to modify dysfunctional contingencies.

How to lose the feeling of possession over the partner?

Reflect on your values. Practice detachment and respect for the individuality of the other. Establish healthy boundaries in the relationship. Focus on taking care of yourself instead of controlling the partner.

Why do I feel like I would lose a “competition” if I ended my relationship?

Analyze irrational beliefs about victory/defeat in relationships. Understand that a healthy connection is not based on disputes. Seek therapy to work on the causes of this competitive stance.

How to overcome the aversion to the risk of being alone?

Reflect on your personal values. Gradually step out of your comfort zone and test new experiences. Focus on the positive aspects of your individuality. Have faith in your potential to be happy.

SOURCE: DETERMINANTS OF FOLLOWING THE RULE: “BETTER ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY”